Work Zombie

At work.

Bored, playing with phone.

Walk to coffee machine by the window.

Look out window.

Slow walking zombies moving towards building.

Stand and stare for a few minutes.

Prepared for this by years of zombie films.

Move back to desk.

Short conversation with colleague about popping in to town for lunch.

Put phone and wallet in pockets.

Pull put security cards and car keys.

Move out of office, down hallway and into toilet.

Have a quick wee.

Head towards canteen.

Walk into kitchen confidently.

Explain that I need a meat knife for a package in our office.

Given knife.

Make my way downstairs, through reception.

Nobody has noticed, zombies approaching from right of the building.

Start to hear commotion upstairs in the office.

Make my way outside.

Head towards car park.

Zombies are slow zombies not fast zombies.

Walk past two with no problem.

Second one is dragging ankle on the ground in a truly stereotypical fashion.

Third zombie gets too close.

Moves hand towards me.

I duck under and stab meat knife into his neck.

Black liquid spews from the wound.

He shrinks to the floor like he’s deflating.

I move slowly an confidently.

I move like James Bond, panicking inside but with adrenalin pumping.

There are hundreds of zombies on this street alone.

Pass by three more easily.

Now at corner of car park.

Can see my car.

20 undead in between.

Make my advance.

Fight to car.

Call girlfriend while I set off.

She’s at work.

Says the zombies are outside.

They’ve barricaded themselves in.

Say I’ll be down in an hour.

Head towards London.

M25 tricky, lots of abandoned cars.

Negotiate around.

Call mum on speaker phone.

She is watching the pandemic on BBC News.

Explain how far out of London they have reached.

She isn’t worried. More worried about Dad getting back from work.

She’s going to pick brother up from school in a second.

They haven’t reached surrey yet.

Says they’ve reached Hertfordshire.

Whatever it is broke out in Tottenham.

I say i’ll stay in touch.

Will pop down if it’s not contained in London.

Turn on car radio.

There’s running news on all channels.

Interview with a specialist.

He’s asked how he became a specialist in Zombies.

He says the outbreak is drug related.

A party drug gone wrong.

Says people have been surprisingly good at handling the monsters.

Years of zombie films have prepared everyone it seems.

All around London, people are arming themselves with knives and slashing the creatures in the neck.

I come off the M1 and drive down Edgware Road.

Stop outside girlfriend’s work.

Honk twice.

Building is on corner, surrounded by zombies.

See her head in window.

They move the barricade.

Five of them come out.

They fight over getting in car.

Only four spaces.

Tell them to break it up.

Get out of drivers seat.

Take car key with me.

Zombies getting closer.

Starting to panic.

Get four people in the back of the car, push seat back.

Girlfriend jumps in.

Two zombies around front of the car, one around back.

They’re between me and the drivers seat.

Knife is next to drivers seat.

Girlfriend winds down window.

Hands me can of Red Bull.

Ask her to hand me knife.

Zombie grabs my jeans.

Goes to bite me.

Smash Red Bull can onto his head.

He deflates.

Yellow liquid spurts out of can, in both directions.

It hits second zombie, on car bonnet, in the face.

It burns him like acid.

He Dissolves into the ground completely.

The zombie is now black tar all over the street.

Not sure if I prefer this over the deflating.

He appears to have fainted.

Zombie by back of car grabs my collar.

Shake remaining Red Bull into his eyes.

They dissolve.

Looks like puss, dripping from his eye sockets.

He faints.

Jump into front of car.

Drive out of central.

Girlfriend asks where we’re going.

We get to ASDA.

Text Radio station: “Red Bull kills the zombies”.

Text Mum: “Red Bull kills the zombies”.

Run to drinks aisle.

Girlfriend asks what we’re doing.

Tell her we’re going to try all energy drinks.

Even the alcoholic ones.

Stock up on Red Bull, Monster, Relentless and ASDA home brand.

Buy all the energy drinks in the store.

Girlfriends boss asks if any energy drinks in the back of store.

He asks to buy them all.

Argues over stock control with store manager.

There is a queue at the checkout.

Early panic buyers.

We finally get out.

Car surrounded.

Hand each person a different brand of drink.

Start shaking cans furiously.

Stand about twenty feet back.

Experiment 1 - do all energy drinks kill the zombies?

Open cans and start throwing.

Drink spray everywhere.

Conclusions:

Red Bull dissolves the zombies.

Monster causes zombies to explode.

There is now black tar covering 70% of my car.

Relentless causes zombies to defecate uncontrollably. 

Not sure if they can control their bowels anyway.

ASDA home-brand energy drink makes them hungry. 

They start biting each other.

This causes some to deflate at the same time.

Car is finally clear.

Area covered in black tar.

More coming from counsel estate by edge of car park.

Tell everyone to jump in the car.

All want to go to their own homes.

Two feel they will be okay on the underground.

One want to take the bus.

Say this is fine by me.

Run to car.

Black tar has dried.

It dries fast.

Covers almost all windows.

We’re going to have to clean the car.

Car cleaners in corner of car park have legged it.

Use car key to dig open driver door.

Both jump in.

Drive slowly over to car wash hose.

Wheels are slow moving, covered in tar.

Swerve round monsters.

Get to hose.

Spray car.

Tar sliding off slowly.

More zombies approaching.

Ask girlfriend to hold hose.

Start circling car, knife in one hand, can of Red Bull in the other.

Would rather they deflated/dissolved that exploded more tar on car.

Car is finally clean.

Both jump back in.

Head towards home.

Girlfriend explains she bought two loaves of bread and three packs of ham in case we’re stuck in for a week.

Explain that I bought 28 frozen ready meals.

Call Mum.

She says it’s contained in London.

Says she’ll worry if it break out of there.

Dad is home now.

He had fun on the M25, smashing into monsters.

Says his car is smothered in black tar.

Turn radio back on.

"Once again, Red Bull disolves the monsters. Please don’t hesitate to dissolve your friends and family. They’re in a lot of pain. They do not want to be zombies. Do not hesitate to dissolve your friend!"

"This text just in from "M", who’s on his way home from the supermarket. Red Bull indeed dissolves the zombies, with "Monster" assploding them everywhere and Relentless causing uncontrollable… and we can’t say that word on the radio."

"Thanks for the head up M, and thanks for listing."

"We’ve had an official warning from the police. Do not try and drink the tar as it is very fast-hardening, and especially do not try and smoke and/or snort the tar. Can’t imagine many of our listeners will have tried that yet."

Get back to house.

Have picked up girlfriends mum and grandparents up on the way.

Flat-mates are all back from work.

All relatives accounted for.

Other brother came over with his girlfriend.

Get all food out on kitchen table and take stock.

Barricade the door.

Stick food in the microwave.

Switch to the news channel.